Revenge is a dish best served with sulfur

For the past few days I have been trying to cook up some smelly ass farts.  Farts that are stinky enough to clear a room.  In order to accomplish this task, I have been doing some research about what makes farts smell.  Here are some of the tidbits that I found.


The gas in our intestines comes from several sources:

• air that we swallow
• gas that seeps into our intestines from our blood
• gas that is produced from chemical reactions in our guts
• gas that is produced from bacteria that lives in our guts

The gases that are produced by the bacteria are the ones that smell the most (which are the ones that I am particularly interested in producing).

So what makes farts stink??
The odor of farts come from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and some other things that I have no idea about.  The point is that all of these beautiful smells contain sulfur.  The more sulfur rich your diet is, the more bacteria in your gut, the more smelly your farts are going to be.

What can you eat to give you smelly gas?

• cauliflower
• eggs
• meat
• onions
• garlic
• brussel sprouts
• broccoli
• kale
• wheat germ

Hmmmm.....now I know why my mother is notorious for her anal acoustics.  Anyways, is anyone surprised that beans aren't on the list?  Beans have been given a bad wrap for years for giving people smelly gas.  Beans will make your farts loud, not smelly.  So for some fun times eat beans!  For revenge, don't eat beans!

Whose farts smell worse?  Men or women?

There have been SCIENTIFIC STUDIES that prove that women's farts smell worse then men's.  But men's farts are louder than women's.  Fantastic!

Finally, what is the point of this blog?


I have been victimized one too many times by AJ's farts.  He farts on me, he farts near me, he farts in my general direction.  He farts in the grocery store and makes lettuce wilt.  While I am unable to prevent these things from happening, I can concoct some of my own to get even, maybe even surpass his gas.  My first real attempt was tonight.  I ate 4 eggs and washed it down with a big glass of milk and the only thing that has come out of my ass has been little whisps of air.  BULLSHIT!  I need to get serious here.

Here is the plan:

1. I'm going to concoct the ultimate fart food.  I don't have the details panned out yet since I just decided this 5 minutes ago, but rest assured I will keep you posted.  
2. I will eat this food on Friday night followed by consuming a lot of beer. 
3. I'm going to eat the food for breakfast again on saturday morning.  So now I have the food from Friday night, the beer, and the saturday morning breakfast.  Don't ask me how beer is going to help in the fart making process.  I just have a feeling that it's going to work.  
4. After breakfast on Saturday, I'm going to WV with AJ to go to something called the buckwheat festival.  I'll be in the car with him for 2 hours where he has no where to escape from my horrific gas.  This brings new meaning to the term "hot box". 

I know what you're all thinking.  "This is really fucked up"  The only response I have to that is "I'm a Gatti"  If this blog disgusts you in anyway then you should reconsider our friendship.  I think that people who don't think farts are funny are fucked up.  So there.  As a final thought, someone had suggested to me to buy a can of fart gas.  While this may sound potentially fun and easier than eating all of those nasty ass foods, it's not the answer.  Half of the fun of making smelly farts is smelling them.  I like how my farts smell and you do too, don't lie.

Vote!

Let's discuss this picture.

1. He's wearing a stone cold steve austin shirt with the sleeves cut off.

2. He's holding valvoline in one hand and depends in the other.

3. What's with the hair?

4. He's browsing the hamburger helper

5. Are those spandex shorts?

5. This is in a Walmart in Canada, not somewhere like Mississippi like I expected

This might be one of the best I've seen on people of walmart since the picture has so many added dimensions.  It's not just some lady with no pants on or a kid being dragged around on a leash.  This photo has some serious depth.

Please respond to the poll, do I have an unhealthy obsession with peopleofwalmart.com?

Apprehensive about the G-20

The G-20 is coming to Pittsburgh next week for those who live in a hole and didn't know about it.  My first reaction when I found out about it was a good one.  I was excited that Pittsburgh was chosen out of all of the other cities that were in the running.  Even though I'm not from Pittsburgh, I have a lot of pride in the city because I think it's great.  


However, now that the G-20 is only a week away, I'm pretty anxious about it.  I'm not afraid for my own personal safety because you can't pay me to go downtown next week.  I think I'm pretty safe going from Squirrel Hill to Oakland, if I go to Oakland at all.  I may just work from home.  I'm afraid for the city, the people who work downtown and the law enforcement.  I've heard some pretty crazy things over the past few weeks from the radio, newspapers, word of mouth and websites of people protesting the G-20.  I was confused at first because I thought why are there going to be protesters at the G-20?  I didn't think it was something that was extremely conrtoversial.  But then I realized that since the G-20 is an international stage, people are going to protest anything and everything just so that their voices will be heard.  There are estimates that say 50,000 people are expected to show up and protest. 


I'm afraid that the entire city is going to get trashed from all of these people being here.  Downtown Pittsburgh is 0.64 square miles.  That's nothing!  It's about 1/6 the size of Center City Philadelphia ( I did the math).  Where are all of these people going to fit?  I heard on the radio that since all of the hotel rooms are booked that people are going to try and camp out in Schenley Park or at The Point.  Both of those places are way too nice to have a bunch of dirty squatters mess it up.  Plus, you're not allowed to camp there anyway.  I head that there is going to be a parking lot set up somewhere in the Strip District for them to hang out.  Well what are they going to do at night?  


I'm worried about the people who work downtown because they're going to have to deal with so much bullshit just to get to work.  Traffic, protestors, possibly getting hit with balloons full of raw sewage, etc.  I also feel bad for people who have to commute into downtown or Oakland.  Traffic is going to suck!!!  It sucks anyway and I can't imagine the G-20 making it any better.  


Finally, I'm concerned about the law enforcement officials who have to deal with all of the crazies coming to Pittsburgh.  I hope they're all getting paid some extra scratch for their effort.


I know that the last G-20 that was held in London had only peaceful protests and everything turned out ok.  But I'm still worried because that was London, a huge international city.  This is Pittsburgh, a small city.  Plus a lot of people in this country scare the shit out of me.  I have a feeling that I'm going to be staring at giant posters of dead babies all week from those freaking stupid abortion people.  I haven't seen them yet this year so they're probably waiting until next week. 


Need more spray paint to huff!!!

The weather has changed

Okay everybody, the weather has changed because I am having some serious sinus issues. This happens every year and that's how I know it's fall.  The day started out with sneezing, runny nose and a pressure headache which turned into an afternoon nap and a fever.  AJ made me some grilled cheese with tomato soup and I went to rite aid to buy some sinus medicine.  I just took it and it's supposed to make me drowsy, so I hope that I drift off soon and don't wake up until tomorrow.  




Funny foreigner moment:  As most of you know, I spend day in and day out with people from countries all over the world and I love them all very much.  However, sometimes things happen that make me laugh my ass off and reaffirm my belief that the English language is deceiving and convoluted. 


 My advisor told one of my colleagues:  "hey do me a favor and see if this floppy disk works and if it doesn't toss it"    


The disk didn't work, so what does my colleague do? Take a guess.  Does he:


a) throw the floppy disk away
b) toss it into the air


Ofcourse the answer is b.  I saw him tossing a floppy disk into the air and he told me the whole story and I thought it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen.  Yay for foreigners!

Look at this nugget!

Biggest loser starts tonight!

This is a very exciting week to be sitting on the couch and watching tv.

Monday: First Monday night football games of the season and the premiere of the Jay Leno show (which was hilarious)

Tuesday: Biggest loser!!! I fucking love that show. If I ever have a Tuesday night where I don't have to wake up on Wednesday morning and be somewhere I have a really good drinking game planned for the show. I think that if you took a shot every time someone shed some tears you would be annihilated by the time the show was over.

Wednesday: I don't think anything exciting is on Wednesday that I'm interested in, but I guess Jay Leno is always on, score!

Thursday: The office and It's always sunny in Philadelphia. I'm not sure which I like more, It's always sunny or the biggest loser. I guess both tap different emotions in me so it's not really fair to compare them. But rest assured my eyes will be glued to the screen for both shows. I'm also considering watching the show called Community only because it has Chevy Chase and I love everything else that he's done.

Friday: What ever happened to TGIF?

I'm still laughing my ass off at this one.  I'm kind of curious what it looks like from the front.

Major decisions

Does anyone still read this thing? Probably not since I haven't posted since April. I want to say that I am going to start blogging again, but I can't make any promises. Major events have happened since the last time I blogged and other things are coming up fast and I can't wait for them to happen.

1. AJ moved in with me
2. We got a kitten and named him Hank
3. We bought a brand new bed

Hmmm...seems like things are getting pretty serious! So far none of those decisions have come back to bite me in the ass (except that Hank sometimes actually bites me in the ass) so I will call all of my life changes a success. Here's a picture of our Hanky



He loves yarn! He also likes getting his asshole licked by Tico.


Ok that one is kind of scary, so here is one that will make you go awwww

Awwwwww

Some events that are quickly approaching:

1. My graduation date is actually in sight right now and it is April 2010.
2. I am moving back to Holland, Pa to live in my parents house. I plan on rennovating the basement and making it my own apartment. I have no plans to leave :)
3. I have to start looking for a job! This scares the shit out of me, but I think I'll be ok since my resume after grad school is pretty bitchin. So I hope to make some serious bank.
4. I signed up to take the FE Exam in October and I've been studying my balls off for that.

Some current projects that I am working on:

1. Nick and I built a bed frame yesterday and now I have to sand and stain it to finish it up. Nick was the brains and muscle behind the operation and I'm going to be the one who makes it look pretty.
2. Along with that I need to get a bed skirt and some matching sheets so that it doesn't look stupid. I already made a duvet cover so I'll just match it to that.
3. Finish my yarn scraps blanket. I've been making some serious progress lately so hopefully that will get wrapped up.
4. I'm actually going to finish those goddamn stockings that I've been working on for almost 3 years. The goal (as it was last year) is to finish them and get them up by Christmas.
5. Make matching pillow cases for my duvet cover.


Since People of Walmart is my new favorite site, I am going to start putting up some favorites.