Revenge is a dish best served with sulfur

For the past few days I have been trying to cook up some smelly ass farts.  Farts that are stinky enough to clear a room.  In order to accomplish this task, I have been doing some research about what makes farts smell.  Here are some of the tidbits that I found.


The gas in our intestines comes from several sources:

• air that we swallow
• gas that seeps into our intestines from our blood
• gas that is produced from chemical reactions in our guts
• gas that is produced from bacteria that lives in our guts

The gases that are produced by the bacteria are the ones that smell the most (which are the ones that I am particularly interested in producing).

So what makes farts stink??
The odor of farts come from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and some other things that I have no idea about.  The point is that all of these beautiful smells contain sulfur.  The more sulfur rich your diet is, the more bacteria in your gut, the more smelly your farts are going to be.

What can you eat to give you smelly gas?

• cauliflower
• eggs
• meat
• onions
• garlic
• brussel sprouts
• broccoli
• kale
• wheat germ

Hmmmm.....now I know why my mother is notorious for her anal acoustics.  Anyways, is anyone surprised that beans aren't on the list?  Beans have been given a bad wrap for years for giving people smelly gas.  Beans will make your farts loud, not smelly.  So for some fun times eat beans!  For revenge, don't eat beans!

Whose farts smell worse?  Men or women?

There have been SCIENTIFIC STUDIES that prove that women's farts smell worse then men's.  But men's farts are louder than women's.  Fantastic!

Finally, what is the point of this blog?


I have been victimized one too many times by AJ's farts.  He farts on me, he farts near me, he farts in my general direction.  He farts in the grocery store and makes lettuce wilt.  While I am unable to prevent these things from happening, I can concoct some of my own to get even, maybe even surpass his gas.  My first real attempt was tonight.  I ate 4 eggs and washed it down with a big glass of milk and the only thing that has come out of my ass has been little whisps of air.  BULLSHIT!  I need to get serious here.

Here is the plan:

1. I'm going to concoct the ultimate fart food.  I don't have the details panned out yet since I just decided this 5 minutes ago, but rest assured I will keep you posted.  
2. I will eat this food on Friday night followed by consuming a lot of beer. 
3. I'm going to eat the food for breakfast again on saturday morning.  So now I have the food from Friday night, the beer, and the saturday morning breakfast.  Don't ask me how beer is going to help in the fart making process.  I just have a feeling that it's going to work.  
4. After breakfast on Saturday, I'm going to WV with AJ to go to something called the buckwheat festival.  I'll be in the car with him for 2 hours where he has no where to escape from my horrific gas.  This brings new meaning to the term "hot box". 

I know what you're all thinking.  "This is really fucked up"  The only response I have to that is "I'm a Gatti"  If this blog disgusts you in anyway then you should reconsider our friendship.  I think that people who don't think farts are funny are fucked up.  So there.  As a final thought, someone had suggested to me to buy a can of fart gas.  While this may sound potentially fun and easier than eating all of those nasty ass foods, it's not the answer.  Half of the fun of making smelly farts is smelling them.  I like how my farts smell and you do too, don't lie.