The journey is over

Remember a few months ago when I said that this was going to be a blog about the wedding planning process?  I haven't really been blogging about that because of the shit storm that is my life.  I am pleased to announce that the masters degree journey is officially over.  Let me repeat that.

I FUCKING DID IT!!!!!!

It has been over since December 2nd and I am finally coming out of my coma.  Now on to wedding planning:


We are getting our engagement pictures taken on Jan 22nd.  I am pretty nervous about these pictures for a couple of reasons.  1. Still wearing mom jeans.  2. I'm not the most photogenic person in the world.  3. My hair does what it wants most of the time, so I can't really guarantee that it will ever look good.  4. Whenever anything remotely exciting goes on, I get giant zits on my face.  Right now, my skin is marvelous, completely clear.  I'm going to guarantee that I get a shanker on my face Christmas Eve just in time for a shit ton of pictures.  Stay tuned.

A while ago, my mom had found an officiant that we can hire, and so I told her that I'm busy with my thesis, let's talk after I'm done.  So I emailed her and told her that I was done and I haven't heard anything back from her yet.  She sent me like 3 emails in November and I haven't heard anything in December.  I'll have to email her again to make sure she still wants to do it.

The things that we registered for at Bed Bath and Beyond and Sears and complete.  I need to finalize the one at Kohl's.  It's really hard to register for stuff when you have no idea where you're going to live.

We got our wedding bands!  They're really pretty and tucked away in a safe place hundreds of miles away from here.  I can't be having A.J. wearing it all the time, that's gotta be bad luck.

After the holidays are over, I'm going to start nailing down the guest list.  I'm pretty sure all of the other major things are in the bag.  So once the guest list is taken care of, it's just details.

If anyone has talked to me about wedding planning, you'll know that on a scale of 1 to 10, my enjoyment of this whole process is about a 4.  So if anyone wants to do all of this, let me know.  Seriously.

Now for something funny.  One of my favorite online cartoons is natalie dee.  Here is a recent one.  It's called. WORST GYNECOLOGIST EVER!!

Guest Blog from Uncle John-- "The Magic of the Mashed"

What is it about Christine’s cheesy mashed potatoes that make everybody nuts? It’s just some potatoes, cheese, and sour cream mixed together. But it’s something more. To understand let’s take a walk down memory lane.

Back in the day, when I was a youngster, I used to get up early on a Sunday morning to go to the 8 o’clock mass with my beloved Grandmother. We would sit at the end of the last pew every week. We sat there every week because it was an easy out before the end of the mass. We would leave mass through the side door during communion before the “official” end of the mass. It counted. We stayed for 98% of the mass. Our obligation was fulfilled. Besides we couldn’t take one more prayer out of Sue Colisimo’s mouth in the pew in front of us because she was ALWAYS a sentence and a half ahead of the rest of the congregation. It used to get on both our nerves.

We would head back down the street to 7012 where I would watch my Grandmother prepare her weekly dose of her infamous meatballs. I was like an appendage of hers. By her side during the entire processes. Mix the meat, heat up the pan with the grease from last week’s meatballs, roll the meatballs, and then fry them up. The Sunday meatballs weren’t round like her macaroni meatballs. The Sunday meatballs were shaped like little footballs. The usual amount of meatballs on a normal Sunday was about 3 to 4 dozen. She would place them in a pasta dish lined with napkins.

I would take about a dozen steaming hot meatballs wrapped in some napkins and return to 7006 to share with the family who slept in on a Sunday and went to what my Grandmother referred to as “the lazy peoples mass” at 11 o’clock.

After the 11 o’clock mass people would file into Grandmom’s house to shoot the shit and chow down on some meatballs…similar to what happens on Sundays at 7006 today. It was a ritual. Mostly family, sometimes a neighbor or two.

To those who know and remember… if you close your eyes and think about it… you can smell and taste those meatballs.

Everybody and their sister can make meatballs. I’ve tasted many meatball recipes over the years. Some good ones, some bad ones, but none like my Grandmother used to make. Annette’s meatballs have come the closest to tasting like Grandom Gatti’s meatballs. So what was it about Grandmom Gatti’s meatballs that made people make the pilgrimage to 7012 every Sunday for decades?

Food recipes are just scientific combinations of food. Plain and simple…usually. I’m sure anyone can combine the same ingredients my Grandmother used to make her meatballs with and not have them come out the same as hers did. So what was it about those meatballs? What is it about those cheesy mashed potatoes?

It’s called heart and soul kids. Something you can’t buy at any supermarket.

My Grandmother knew how much joy her meatballs brought to her family. They were like little hugs with every bite. She put her heart and soul into every single meatball she ever made….which over the years totaled in the thousands I’m sure. Probably in the hundreds of thousands.

So the next time you take a forkful of those cheesy mashed potatoes be mindful of the fact that you’ve just been hugged by our Christine.

I've discovered an aphrodisiac for dogs

Greetings readers!!  I am committed to blogging on a regular basis, so here is another one.  As usual, I have no business blogging because I have a million other things to do.  But I am too excited right now about what I just discovered.  It must be shared with the world.  Now I am no scientist, ok maybe I am but that's besides the point.  This is not my area of expertise so I can't say this with 100% certainty, but I am pretty sure that I have stumbled upon an aphrodisiac for dogs.  Here is what happened.

I came home from the library today, let the dogs out, blah blah blah.  Fast forward.  I'm in the basement about to do work and I notice that it is very quiet, too quiet.  On the other side of the basement, the dogs are eating putty out of a window frame that my dad and I just installed last week.  Apparently the putty wasn't dry yet because the dogs ate a significant amount.  Here is what the window looks like in the areas where the dogs didn't get to:

 Here is what the window looks like in the areas that the dogs decided to consume:

 A few minutes passed and I noticed that both of the dogs appeared to have gotten "the fever."  You know, the kind of feeling that makes your hips want to gyrate back and forth.  Some people may refer to this as humping.  I have never witnessed Lucy humping anything until today.  Unfortunately by the time I found my phone, I was unable to capture Lucy humping the couch, but I was able to capture Juliet humping Lucy.  Although Juliet humping Lucy is not a rare occurrence, I don't think the footage has ever gone viral.  So here it is.    There are no sounds, your computer isn't broken.  I thought I called Juliet a rapist at the end of the video but I can't hear it.

In conclusion, here is the magic elixir which will make dogs (at least Lucy and Juliet) hump the shit out of things.  I just noticed that the brand of this putty is called Red Devil.  Coincidence??  I think not.

I QUIT!!!

I started a blog a few days ago and didn't get to finish.  Here is what the blog said:




"Works sucks.  I don't know why I thought that I was going to get an awesome job that I would look forward to going to every day.  A place where I could be challenged, contribute to society and work only 37.5 hours per week.  No no.  Instead I am working at a place where I don't need to think about anything.  I travel around to different job sites, sample concrete, take it back to the lab and start over the next day.  I was up to 40 hours by the end of Wednesday last week.  It's literally back breaking work."


UPDATE:

I FUCKING QUIT!!!!!!!!!

I hated that job with a burning passion since Day 2.  I wasn't going to quit though because I really needed the money.  But a series of events occurred and I told my boss fuck you and that was the end of it.  

There were several items that were agreed on when i was first hired: 

1. Salary

2. My work would consist of lab, field and office

3. I would be given the liberty to work as much as I wanted until I was done my thesis. 

All 3 of those items have been violated.  My salary was $12 per hour.  WHAT?!!?  \Are you kidding me???

I was in the field all day every day at full time hours.  Also not what was agreed upon.  I was not happy about these things, told my boss about it, he said you have to work tomorrow, I said fuck you and quit.  

This has been one hell of a year for me and the days are over when I allow people to take advantage of me.  I refuse for that to happen anymore.  My masters degree has been an absolute nightmare for me and everyone around me.  I've put up with too much shit this year and I wasn't about to let some employer try to walk all over me.  

Now I know that I probably shouldn't have quit because jobs are hard to find and I am poor and have to pay for a wedding and save up for a house.  But the bottom line is that I either had to choose this job or a masters degree.  They weren't going to give me any time off to finish.  I've delayed this master's even more because of these people.    Enough is enough.  

Originally I said that my start date would be the end of October when I would be done my thesis.  They asked me if I could work a little bit while I was working on it because they were really busy.  I said that I could and we agreed to one day per week.  Well I worked almost 15 days in October.  I pushed my thesis back even more because these assholes tried to screw me.  FUUUUCKKKKK!!!    

So now I'm back on track to graduating this semester and will not let anything stand in my way.  

BRING IT ON.  

Side note:  I just re-read this blog and have come to the conclusion that it is very poorly written.  It makes no sense.  It doesn't have the same ebb and flow that can be found in the rest of my posts.  I thought about re-writing it, but then it wouldn't have the same raw effect.  Blame it on the hometown lager.  

Who does that??? Who has time???

Greeeeeeetings!!!!!!

I can't believe that I haven't blogged since August.  That's a violation.  My life has changed significantly since the last time I blogged.  Am I done my thesis yet?  No. However, I am quickly approaching my defense date.  This date will be delayed by one week because I have tickets to the Eagles game on Nov. 7.  Oh well.  So let's recap what has changed by re-visiting what was  happening a month ago.



1 month ago: I was sleeping on a couch
Now: I get to sleep in my own bed!!!!!

1 month ago: I ate one meal a day to save money, which, 9 times out of 10 consisted of Chipotle.
Now:  My mom cooks for me everyday

1 month ago: I showered once every 3 days in order to conserve water.
Now: I shower every day...sometimes

1 month ago: I hadn't received a paycheck in 3 months
Now:  I received my first paycheck in 4 months and it consisted of $133 dollars!!!

1 month ago:  I was unable to fit in to any of my pants because I had gained so much weight.
Now: I've lost approximately 5-7 pounds depending on whether or not I have to shit.  My mom's skinny jeans are now my fat jeans.  I'm hoping to fit in to my old pants again real soon.

1 month ago: My car was housing a smelly ass refrigerator.  (see previous blogs)
Now:  That same refrigerator sits in my basement and houses all of my beers.

1 month ago: I hadn't seen A.J. for more than 7 days in 5 months.
Now:  I see that smelly son of a bitch every single day.  Whooo rest of my life.   A.J. was asked how he survived that long without me.  His response:  chronic masturbation.   Gross.

1 month ago: I felt completely removed from my roots and all things Philly
Now:  I have become completely addicted to 97.5 the fanatic sports radio.  I've regained my sense of philly pride; however, it is slowly consuming my vocabulary and life in general.

1 month ago: I had no job, no hope, no money, no future.
Now: I have a job that pays absolute shit and is an hour commute from home.  So now I have a job, no hope and a possible future.

1 month ago: The battery of my laptop was completely fucked.
Now:  I ordered a new one and I am able to sit on the couch for hours on end with out plugging it in.  Oh modern conveniences.

1 month ago: I talked to my mom once every 2 days on average
Now: I get the pleasure of seeing her beautiful face, EVERY SINGLE DAY.

1 month ago: I didn't think do anything about my wedding in months.
Now: I was forced to do some shit.



What a nice lead in to the rest of the blog!

So here is the wedding update.  This past Sunday, we had our first get-shit-done-for-the-wedding-day.  There will be many more to come.


We debated on the colors and ultimately decided to keep them as is.

We have locked in Andre Crews as the D.J.  He's black and sassy, which guarantees a good time.

We looked in to having someone perform the ceremony.  The first company that we looked at cost $800. WHO DOES THAT???? That is an outrage.  Needless to say, some more research needs to be done in that department.

We registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond, Kohl's and Sears.  The choice of these 3 stores has an interesting, yet boring story.  So fuck that.  I thought that registering for stuff was going to be fun.  But it has turned out to be about 1,000,000 decisions that I was not prepared for.  It seems like I can't register for anything until I've decided on the color scheme for each room in a house that I don't own.  The good that thing is that we literally have nothing, so we can register for a lot of shit and actually require it.

A.J. has finally chosen his last groomsman, but I will not reveal the name just yet.  He still hasn't asked the guy.

According to my mom, my bridal shower is going to be in June, here at my house.  So everyone stay tuned for that!  I thought it was supposed to be a surprise, but I guess not.  I'm not ok with it being called a "bridal shower".  This isn't 1960 anymore.  I think that A.J. should be there with me opening up all of the stuff because it's not just mine.  I won't be the only one doing dishes, laundry and general household chores.  In fact, if I have it my way, I won't be doing any of those things.  HAHAHAHAHA. But seriously.

That is it for now.  Stay tuned for updates from the next get-shit-done-for-the-wedding-day.  For those who are wondering, I have not tried on a dress yet.  I'm still waiting to lose some more weight.

I want to sex your dad.

The second best thing to happen to me this year

Recently, I've been seriously thinking about quitting grad school.  The amount of trouble I've been having figuring out my shit has been unreal.  Earlier in the summer, I would joke about how I was emotionally unstable because of grad school and blah blah blah.  That can't even compare to the shit that I've been going through over the past couple of weeks.  I have been bat-shit crazy, unhinged.  I scare the shit out of myself, imagine what everyone else thinks!!  I'm talking crying episodes for no reason, general paranoia about everything, and acting very rude to people in public.  I've come to the conclusion that my behavior is the result of several factors which can be seen below: 

• I can't figure out my thesis shit, which means that I'm still stuck in Pittsburgh, which means that I have to continue to mooch off of my friends, which means that I have to sleep on a couch and live out of a suitcase. 
• My funds are rapidly approaching zero and I've started having to use my credit card.  Using my credit card would be no problem except for the fact that I have no idea when I'm ever going to see a pay check again.  I've applied for 1,000,000 jobs and nothing has come from it.  This means that I'm going to be stuck in my parents house (if I ever make it there) for way too long.  A.J. and I need to get out of there and get our own place.  
• MY CAR SMELLS LIKE A TERD COVERED IN BURNT HAIR!!!  A.J.'s mini fridge was unplugged with a piece of chicken inside of it.  It sat for several weeks fermenting.  I discovered it with the hopes of lugging it out to my car to bring home (whenever that is) and almost ralphed when I smelled what was inside.  I cleaned the entire thing, inside and out, with clorox clean-up only to discover that didn't do a damn thing.  I dragged the thing outside to air out for a few days.  Two days later, I returned to check on it.  It still smelled and I cleaned it with bleach again. I had to put it in my car because it was going to rain.  I couldn't put it back in the house because it made the entire house smell.  Several bruises later, I had the fridge in my car.  Now the thing is just sitting in my car in the hot hot sun, all day every day, stinking and making me gag every time I get in the car.  Don't forget!!!!  My car has no air conditioning!!  Meghan somehow jewed me out of the Grand Am and I'm stuck driving around in a car that is hot as balls and has a rotten refrigerator inside of it.  Hey Meg, if you read this, I'm coming for the grand am, watch out!!
• The battery of my laptop is completely fried and I'm not able to move my computer anywhere unless I shut down the entire thing.  This is only a minor annoyance, at least the thing still works. 

AND THEN I FIGURED IT OUT!!!!!!!!

Here is the story.  

I'm sitting in my office talking on the phone to A.J. (who is a saint for putting up with me for all of this shit) and complaining about the bulleted items above.  

I was trying out some new thing that my advisor had told me to do.  I had zero faith that it would work because nothing has worked out for me pretty much since I started grad school.  So I'm sitting there doing my thing and then I saw it.  I had made a mistake when calculating a value that was crucial to what I was doing.  At first, I was in disbelief.  Could this be the mistake?  Is this what has wasted my time for 2 weeks?????  I MUST KNOW!!!!

As soon as I think that I might have found the reason why all of shit was so fucked up, Excel decided it's going to auto save all 3 of the files that I have open.  Since they are huge files, I sat there and waited for 20 min.  It seemed like forever. 

Finally, excel quit being a bitch, and I was able to discover that my program worked beautifully.  In a nutshell, this is what I was doing.  I was comparing predicted values to measured values so that I could say that my model is legit.  Basically if someone asked me, "Hey, how do we know that any of the shit you created is for real?"  And then I'll say, "This is how!!!!!!"

I show them that I got everything under control because my shit is validated.  

What does all of this mean??  It means that from now on, everything that I do is not going to be a waste of time.  I know what I'm doing, I got it all figured out.  It's just a matter of doing it. Each simulation takes 30 min and I have to do probably 200 of them.  So it's going to take some time.  But I'm getting there.  

Once I realized what I had done and what it means.  I about shit my pants.  I was so freaking excited, I couldn't contain my happiness.  

There you have it.  The second best thing that has happened to me this year.

Still stuck in Pittsburgh

At the moment, I am stuck in Pittsburgh for an unknown amount of time.  I don't want to speculate on how long I will be here because I've been saying "not much longer" for months and I'm still here.  I'm doing the best that I can and working hard.  I'll be done when I'm done.

My last blog I said that we had booked the photographer.  What I actually meant was that I had found a photographer.  The photographer is actually booked now.  We signed a contract and everything.  Holy shit!! We're on our way!

We have also picked the color scheme.  It's going to be aqua and red.  It looks really nice, check it out!

As of today, we picked the song for our first dance, but I think I'm going to keep it a secret for now.  I can tell you that it might be "Total Eclipse of the Heart".  You're all just going to have to wait and find out.

Next on the list for me is to think about flowers I guess?  I really have no idea the order in which things should be done.  My approach has been to take care of the big stuff and then work my way to the details.  Hopefully A.J. can pay a visit to the manor in the next week so we can figure out what we're doing about music.  I think that we've decided that we're definitely NOT doing a band.  We want to create a playlist for the entire night and just have someone be the M.C.  I love my music and dancing so I don't think I would entrust the fun of the entire night to a D.J. playing random shit.

One of the first things that we did is think of a guest list so we would have a rough idea of how many people we were going to invite.  Then we booked our venue and that guest list needs to be cut in half or else we're never going to be able to recover from the debt.  Just kidding!  But seriously, if you're thinking about whether or not you want to come, just don't come.  I probably don't like you anyway.

Eventually I'll have to start trying on wedding dresses.  I've already been looking and I was thinking something along the lines of this:

Photography...this is getting serious

Holy shit...we booked the photographer.  There's no backing out now.  This thing is happening.  I booked Nina Perini for photography.  Check out her stuff here if you're really interested.  I suggest you wait until we do our engagement session though.  Who likes looking at people they don't know being all romantic and mushy?  Certainly not me.

I chose her because she was reasonably priced, had great pictures and included all of the goodies that I want in the package.  This includes an engagement session which will be happening some time soon I hope.  I hope October at the latest.  A.J. and I are ridiculously white and so we want to still be somewhat tan for the pictures.  There's nothing worse than the instant gag reflex when looking at pictures of yourself.

I plan on following these guidelines to make myself look good.


Stay tuned for the next chapter in the wedding planning!  Until then, it's time for A.J. to find a DJ  (hey it rhymes!).  The entire fun of the night rests in his hands.  Let's hope he does a super job!!

Things that suck

1. Severely burned my scalp down the shore and now have a serious dandruff problem.  


(So i tried to find a picture to put here.....don't EVER  google image "burnt scalp".  The nastiest shit just came up and now I feel dirty)


2. Being fat and lazy.  I swear on my life I am never going to be out of shape again.  The soreness felt from working out after not working out for months on end is unbearable and I do it to myself all the time.  I get on these kicks where I work out non-stop for a few weeks and then I stop for 6 months.  I started working out again on Monday and I am so sore!!!!!!  I have to hold on to the walls when I sit down to take a piss.  I waddle down the street.  It hurts putting my arms over my head to put my shirt on. I think that this pain is enough motivation to never get out of shape again.  I've been watching a lot of "Losing it with Jillian Michaels" show to keep myself motivated.  The people on that show are always so pathetic and worthless and it gives me inspiration.  Like I need any more after seeing that picture recently taken of me in a bikini.  I almost threw up. 


3. Living in a dorm with no key.  My current residence is the ΔΓ house at CMU.  I don't have a key so I am always at the mercy of someone else for being let in. There are some things that I don't miss about college, especially living in dorms.  They all smell the same, it's weird.  Where I'm staying looks something like this.

4. My left ear has been clogged since July 24th.  The first day the pain was unbearable and since then, it is just annoying and sometimes painful.  I probably should go to a doctor, but I just don't feel like it.  


5. Why the fuck is wedding photography so expensive????   We started looking at photographers....holy shit!!!  The prices are outrageous!  "You can't put a price on your memories.  The photos will last forever."  blah blah blah.  FUCK ALL OF YOU!


6. Driving around in a car with no a/c.  Every time I drive anywhere I have to deal with gross back and ass sweat soaking through my clothes.  

7. Not having any money.  Please god someone find me a job!!!!!!!!!!!!

Planning a wedding is going to be super fun.....right?

I've been engaged for 6 months and in that time I have set a date for the wedding, chosen a venue, chosen my wedding party, contracted an invitation designer and figured out who is going to do my hair.  The date is 405 days away and I am way behind on most things.  Ideally, every last detail would have been planned and finalized yesterday, but I figured that I would take my time and attempt to enjoy a few things.    SARCASM!

Is it possible to plan a large wedding and enjoy yourself at the same time?  Does anyone else think that half of the "traditional" wedding customs are totally retarded?  Maybe I'm crazy, (and it is quite possible) but if one more person looks at me like I have tits growing out of my forehead when I tell them that I haven't chosen the colors yet, I am going to give them a crabby patty.

I understand that everyone gets excited about weddings and wants to offer wisdom about what was fucked up in their own wedding and perhaps, momentarily think back to their own wedding, which is quite possibly the only time they had a  "happy marriage."  The only thing that pisses me off are the reactions that I get when I give answers that aren't satisfactory to the person that asked them.  My favorite is when people tell me that I don't seem to be too excited about the wedding when the reality is that I'm just not excited to be listening to the bullshit coming out of their mouths.

It felt good to get that off of my chest.  Let's back up for a moment.  I am beyond thrilled to be engaged.  I can't wait to get married. I think that the day of the wedding might be the best day of my life (unless I get picked to be on Wheel of Fortune, ofcourse).

That being said, I have decided to blog about the wedding planning process.  There are several reasons for this:

• I haven't been blogging recently
• I think it has the potential to be really funny
• It will give everyone the opportunity to immerse themselves in every detail of the wedding (which will hopefully cut down on face time)
• It will be a place for me to get out frustrations so I don't go ape-shit and turn in to some psycho bridezilla

Contrary to popular belief, I have looked in to and have ideas for almost every aspect of the wedding.  I have a wedding website which is in its infant stages and should hopefully be launched soon.

Let's recap the items which are complete:

Groom-  A.J.
Date- 9/4/11
Venue- Spring Mill Manor (which incldues ceremony, reception, food, cake, and ice luge for shots)
Wedding Party- Korynn, my sisters and Mandy
Invitation Designer- Uncle
Hair Stylist- Skip
Colors- some kind of blue and some kind of orange/pink

All questions/comments about any of the items mentioned above can be directed to my fabulous fiancé.  He is more than happy to discuss anything wedding related.

Alright that should do it for now, I'm off to the gym so that I can lose some weight.  As my lovely grandfather said (while grabbing my love-handles), "You better lose some weight if you want to fit into a wedding dress."  Aren't old people cute??

***To find out what a crabby patty is, ask dick boy.  Or check urban dictionary http://www.urbandictionary.com/author.php?author=Ragin+Kagin

UPDATE: Victory is mine! (sort of)

Good news:  I have found the perfect combination of food that give me horrible smelling gas.

Bad news: I have horrible stomach pains and explosive diarrhea.

More bad news:  AJ has a cold and can't smell anything.

So what is the secret to my success???  Here is what I ate today, although I'm pretty sure it's only the food that I ate tonight that sealed the deal.

Breakfast:  10 a.m. I had a bacon, egg and cheese from Panera on an Asiago bagel with a medium coffee (cream and sugar)

Lunch: 3:15 p.m.  AJ gave me half of a ham and swiss sandwich from Panera

Dinner:  5:30 ish    Here is where I went for the kill.  I had about 5 or 6 small green peppers left over from Duke's garden and about 5 large white mushrooms.  I chopped up the mushrooms and sautéed them in olive oil and sprinkled on some garlic and seasoned salt.  It was enough to fill an entire plate and I finished all of them.  We all know how much I love mushrooms.  I chopped up the peppers into slices and roasted them in the oven.  They were also doused in olive oil with garlic sprinkled on them.  I ate ALL of the peppers.  Combine that with 2 bites of chicken and 2 glasses of apple cider.

About 20 minutes ago, I had some serious stomach pains and some serious gas to go along with that.  It is rancid!  It's ok that AJ can't smell anything, I now have the recipe and that's all that matters!

This is going to be me one day

Revenge is a dish best served with sulfur

For the past few days I have been trying to cook up some smelly ass farts.  Farts that are stinky enough to clear a room.  In order to accomplish this task, I have been doing some research about what makes farts smell.  Here are some of the tidbits that I found.


The gas in our intestines comes from several sources:

• air that we swallow
• gas that seeps into our intestines from our blood
• gas that is produced from chemical reactions in our guts
• gas that is produced from bacteria that lives in our guts

The gases that are produced by the bacteria are the ones that smell the most (which are the ones that I am particularly interested in producing).

So what makes farts stink??
The odor of farts come from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and some other things that I have no idea about.  The point is that all of these beautiful smells contain sulfur.  The more sulfur rich your diet is, the more bacteria in your gut, the more smelly your farts are going to be.

What can you eat to give you smelly gas?

• cauliflower
• eggs
• meat
• onions
• garlic
• brussel sprouts
• broccoli
• kale
• wheat germ

Hmmmm.....now I know why my mother is notorious for her anal acoustics.  Anyways, is anyone surprised that beans aren't on the list?  Beans have been given a bad wrap for years for giving people smelly gas.  Beans will make your farts loud, not smelly.  So for some fun times eat beans!  For revenge, don't eat beans!

Whose farts smell worse?  Men or women?

There have been SCIENTIFIC STUDIES that prove that women's farts smell worse then men's.  But men's farts are louder than women's.  Fantastic!

Finally, what is the point of this blog?


I have been victimized one too many times by AJ's farts.  He farts on me, he farts near me, he farts in my general direction.  He farts in the grocery store and makes lettuce wilt.  While I am unable to prevent these things from happening, I can concoct some of my own to get even, maybe even surpass his gas.  My first real attempt was tonight.  I ate 4 eggs and washed it down with a big glass of milk and the only thing that has come out of my ass has been little whisps of air.  BULLSHIT!  I need to get serious here.

Here is the plan:

1. I'm going to concoct the ultimate fart food.  I don't have the details panned out yet since I just decided this 5 minutes ago, but rest assured I will keep you posted.  
2. I will eat this food on Friday night followed by consuming a lot of beer. 
3. I'm going to eat the food for breakfast again on saturday morning.  So now I have the food from Friday night, the beer, and the saturday morning breakfast.  Don't ask me how beer is going to help in the fart making process.  I just have a feeling that it's going to work.  
4. After breakfast on Saturday, I'm going to WV with AJ to go to something called the buckwheat festival.  I'll be in the car with him for 2 hours where he has no where to escape from my horrific gas.  This brings new meaning to the term "hot box". 

I know what you're all thinking.  "This is really fucked up"  The only response I have to that is "I'm a Gatti"  If this blog disgusts you in anyway then you should reconsider our friendship.  I think that people who don't think farts are funny are fucked up.  So there.  As a final thought, someone had suggested to me to buy a can of fart gas.  While this may sound potentially fun and easier than eating all of those nasty ass foods, it's not the answer.  Half of the fun of making smelly farts is smelling them.  I like how my farts smell and you do too, don't lie.

Vote!

Let's discuss this picture.

1. He's wearing a stone cold steve austin shirt with the sleeves cut off.

2. He's holding valvoline in one hand and depends in the other.

3. What's with the hair?

4. He's browsing the hamburger helper

5. Are those spandex shorts?

5. This is in a Walmart in Canada, not somewhere like Mississippi like I expected

This might be one of the best I've seen on people of walmart since the picture has so many added dimensions.  It's not just some lady with no pants on or a kid being dragged around on a leash.  This photo has some serious depth.

Please respond to the poll, do I have an unhealthy obsession with peopleofwalmart.com?

Apprehensive about the G-20

The G-20 is coming to Pittsburgh next week for those who live in a hole and didn't know about it.  My first reaction when I found out about it was a good one.  I was excited that Pittsburgh was chosen out of all of the other cities that were in the running.  Even though I'm not from Pittsburgh, I have a lot of pride in the city because I think it's great.  


However, now that the G-20 is only a week away, I'm pretty anxious about it.  I'm not afraid for my own personal safety because you can't pay me to go downtown next week.  I think I'm pretty safe going from Squirrel Hill to Oakland, if I go to Oakland at all.  I may just work from home.  I'm afraid for the city, the people who work downtown and the law enforcement.  I've heard some pretty crazy things over the past few weeks from the radio, newspapers, word of mouth and websites of people protesting the G-20.  I was confused at first because I thought why are there going to be protesters at the G-20?  I didn't think it was something that was extremely conrtoversial.  But then I realized that since the G-20 is an international stage, people are going to protest anything and everything just so that their voices will be heard.  There are estimates that say 50,000 people are expected to show up and protest. 


I'm afraid that the entire city is going to get trashed from all of these people being here.  Downtown Pittsburgh is 0.64 square miles.  That's nothing!  It's about 1/6 the size of Center City Philadelphia ( I did the math).  Where are all of these people going to fit?  I heard on the radio that since all of the hotel rooms are booked that people are going to try and camp out in Schenley Park or at The Point.  Both of those places are way too nice to have a bunch of dirty squatters mess it up.  Plus, you're not allowed to camp there anyway.  I head that there is going to be a parking lot set up somewhere in the Strip District for them to hang out.  Well what are they going to do at night?  


I'm worried about the people who work downtown because they're going to have to deal with so much bullshit just to get to work.  Traffic, protestors, possibly getting hit with balloons full of raw sewage, etc.  I also feel bad for people who have to commute into downtown or Oakland.  Traffic is going to suck!!!  It sucks anyway and I can't imagine the G-20 making it any better.  


Finally, I'm concerned about the law enforcement officials who have to deal with all of the crazies coming to Pittsburgh.  I hope they're all getting paid some extra scratch for their effort.


I know that the last G-20 that was held in London had only peaceful protests and everything turned out ok.  But I'm still worried because that was London, a huge international city.  This is Pittsburgh, a small city.  Plus a lot of people in this country scare the shit out of me.  I have a feeling that I'm going to be staring at giant posters of dead babies all week from those freaking stupid abortion people.  I haven't seen them yet this year so they're probably waiting until next week. 


Need more spray paint to huff!!!

The weather has changed

Okay everybody, the weather has changed because I am having some serious sinus issues. This happens every year and that's how I know it's fall.  The day started out with sneezing, runny nose and a pressure headache which turned into an afternoon nap and a fever.  AJ made me some grilled cheese with tomato soup and I went to rite aid to buy some sinus medicine.  I just took it and it's supposed to make me drowsy, so I hope that I drift off soon and don't wake up until tomorrow.  




Funny foreigner moment:  As most of you know, I spend day in and day out with people from countries all over the world and I love them all very much.  However, sometimes things happen that make me laugh my ass off and reaffirm my belief that the English language is deceiving and convoluted. 


 My advisor told one of my colleagues:  "hey do me a favor and see if this floppy disk works and if it doesn't toss it"    


The disk didn't work, so what does my colleague do? Take a guess.  Does he:


a) throw the floppy disk away
b) toss it into the air


Ofcourse the answer is b.  I saw him tossing a floppy disk into the air and he told me the whole story and I thought it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen.  Yay for foreigners!

Look at this nugget!

Biggest loser starts tonight!

This is a very exciting week to be sitting on the couch and watching tv.

Monday: First Monday night football games of the season and the premiere of the Jay Leno show (which was hilarious)

Tuesday: Biggest loser!!! I fucking love that show. If I ever have a Tuesday night where I don't have to wake up on Wednesday morning and be somewhere I have a really good drinking game planned for the show. I think that if you took a shot every time someone shed some tears you would be annihilated by the time the show was over.

Wednesday: I don't think anything exciting is on Wednesday that I'm interested in, but I guess Jay Leno is always on, score!

Thursday: The office and It's always sunny in Philadelphia. I'm not sure which I like more, It's always sunny or the biggest loser. I guess both tap different emotions in me so it's not really fair to compare them. But rest assured my eyes will be glued to the screen for both shows. I'm also considering watching the show called Community only because it has Chevy Chase and I love everything else that he's done.

Friday: What ever happened to TGIF?

I'm still laughing my ass off at this one.  I'm kind of curious what it looks like from the front.

Major decisions

Does anyone still read this thing? Probably not since I haven't posted since April. I want to say that I am going to start blogging again, but I can't make any promises. Major events have happened since the last time I blogged and other things are coming up fast and I can't wait for them to happen.

1. AJ moved in with me
2. We got a kitten and named him Hank
3. We bought a brand new bed

Hmmm...seems like things are getting pretty serious! So far none of those decisions have come back to bite me in the ass (except that Hank sometimes actually bites me in the ass) so I will call all of my life changes a success. Here's a picture of our Hanky



He loves yarn! He also likes getting his asshole licked by Tico.


Ok that one is kind of scary, so here is one that will make you go awwww

Awwwwww

Some events that are quickly approaching:

1. My graduation date is actually in sight right now and it is April 2010.
2. I am moving back to Holland, Pa to live in my parents house. I plan on rennovating the basement and making it my own apartment. I have no plans to leave :)
3. I have to start looking for a job! This scares the shit out of me, but I think I'll be ok since my resume after grad school is pretty bitchin. So I hope to make some serious bank.
4. I signed up to take the FE Exam in October and I've been studying my balls off for that.

Some current projects that I am working on:

1. Nick and I built a bed frame yesterday and now I have to sand and stain it to finish it up. Nick was the brains and muscle behind the operation and I'm going to be the one who makes it look pretty.
2. Along with that I need to get a bed skirt and some matching sheets so that it doesn't look stupid. I already made a duvet cover so I'll just match it to that.
3. Finish my yarn scraps blanket. I've been making some serious progress lately so hopefully that will get wrapped up.
4. I'm actually going to finish those goddamn stockings that I've been working on for almost 3 years. The goal (as it was last year) is to finish them and get them up by Christmas.
5. Make matching pillow cases for my duvet cover.


Since People of Walmart is my new favorite site, I am going to start putting up some favorites.

100% should not be bloging right now

It's been so long!!!!!!!!! As soon as this semester is over, a.k.a. this week, I will be blogging once more. I just have to share this one story which I'm considering posting on fmylife.com Here goes:

I put jellybeans down my boyfriends underwear the other night and today I accidentally ate them. FML.

hot mess

Last night was a huge fucking mess. Why? Because I'm a huge fucking mess. Here is what happened. My computer was delivered to my house on Wednesday and Thursday and I wasn't there because I am in school...duh. So my plan was to go and pick it up Thursday night because I had a night class on Wednesday. So last night I made plans to go running with my sister. I left Benedum and walked to her place, got changed in all of my running clothes, left all of my stuff there (cellphone, wallet, etc.) because my plan was to run to my house on darlington, then drive Meghan back to her place and go get my computer from the FedEx place in the strip that closes at 8:30. Everything was going according to plan up until the point where I get my keys and drive meghan back to her dorm. We ate dinner, watched some tv and around 7:15 I go and try to find my keys. I can't find my keys for the second time in a month. I figured that they were in my school bag in Meghan's room. Crisis begins. I start freaking out because if I didn't go and get my computer by that night, they were going to ship my computer back to HP and then I wasn't going to see my computer for at least another week. None of my roommates are home and I don't have my phone to call anyone. effffffff!!!!!! I break in to Kari Cooper's room and go on her computer, log onto facebook and frantically try to find someone who has a car that has their number posted. No one does...except for sumter and that dipshit was working at telefact so he couldn't help me out. But I got Nick's number from sumter and gave him a call using meghan's phone only to get his voicemail. By this time it was about 7:45 and I was starting to have a panic attack. Luckily he called back and I told him my dilemma and he said that he would be there in 15 min. I love him. While I'm waiting for Nick, I realize that these people are going to ask for my ID when I pick up my computer and my ID is in Meghan's room and there's not enough time to make 2 stops. After putting on my thinking cap while sitting in my thinking chair I realized that I have a passport and that would be good. Right as nick gets there I'm running out the door with my passport and Meghan and the three of us are in the front seat of his truck riding around like a bunch of hillbillies going hunting for FedEx. We get to FedEx at 8:17. Yes!!!!!! My ass is saved all thanks to Nick Andes and that manly ass truck of his. He drops off Meghan and takes me back to my house. I look at my computer and turn it on. What do I see?? The picture of my sisters and I totally shit faced on their 19th birthday. Do you know what that means? My hard drive was completely intact!!!! All of that bullshit with ordering the external hard drive enclosures was a total fucking waste of time and money. But at least I have my stuff.

Now for the worst part of everything. My keys were not in my schoolbag. I told nick that they were there. They are in my house somewhere. And that is why I am a hot mess. The shit that I've been pulling recently is out of control and totally out of my character. So stay tuned for the next asshole move that I pull.

Good news: Nicole popped a baby boy named Cole, Kole? Something like that.

Fuck you AJ

Finally Fixed!

My computer is fixed and I'm getting it back tomorrow!!!!!!! I'm so excited! I can finally feel comfortable looking at porn again since I won't be using my professor's computer. In all seriousness though, I am fucking excited!!!!

Good News: I've already showered twice this week!
Bad News: I have to do about 9000 runs of that stupid pavement design guide program over spring break. Each runs takes about 1 minute to set up, 15 minutes to run, and 1 minute to extract the data. Do that math. That's 106 hours!!!!!! FML.



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